Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
