you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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