Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
