He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
