he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
