At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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