Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
