i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
