i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Congratulations! We have a period
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