I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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