I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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