I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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