I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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