Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Life without a bra equals bliss.