Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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