If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Randomize
