1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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