i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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