you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
