Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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