Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
