last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
3pm strippers are depressing
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
