Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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