Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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