He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
