Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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