i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
