just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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