Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
