There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
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Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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