Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
