You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I cut my penus on the lid.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
