The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
