DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
