I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
