First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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