i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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