I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
