If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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