My friends, they love my intelligence
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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