I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
