If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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