a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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