ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
