You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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