so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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