ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize