Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
