Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it glows. i had to have it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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