You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
