dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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