my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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