You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
